What Am I Doing?

I was raised by a single mother. She was young when I was born. For the first few years of my life she managed to work full time and attend college full time. My hat still goes off to her because I was completely overwhelmed by motherhood, but in the end she left college her senior year.  There were many times she used her life and our struggles as a cautionary tale.  She wanted more for me and believed with all her heart that I was a smart and capable.

I loved theatre, but I was told that would be a great hobby, it was too unstable for a profession.  I should find an interest that would support me and should continue my education until I had reached the highest degree in the field.  Her goal for me was to always be self sufficient. She believed education was the way to make that happen. Graduate School and Professional School were goals I had before I even really understood what they were.

My pursuit of the right path for me wasn’t exactly a straight line, but I am sure that is true for many.  I did end up with Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees, and considered continuing on for a Doctorate. I still think about it sometimes.  For a while my mother would ask when was I going back to school, because a Master’s degree was not the highest level.

Something happened in me when I received my infertility diagnosis.  Something everyone else seemed to be able to do so easily, I could not. It really changed my perspective on a lot of things.  I wasn’t sure about me being a mom, but I believed my husband would make a great father. It was heartbreaking.  When we finally conceived my decisions about parenting and motherhood had changed to some extent and took on a whole new meaning I didn’t even understand. Fast forward many years and now I’m a stay-at-home HOMESCHOOLING mom.  How on earth did THAT happen?

My husband and I never planned on living on one income.  We had always been a two income pursuing your passions kind of couple.  I wonder how much stress am I causing him?  He’s finally in a job he loves after many stressful years in a job he hated, but it’s come with many sacrifices.

Our entire family of five is completely dependent on him and it seems like something is always going wrong.  This is so far from our original plan and what my mother taught me.  I know lots of my friends look at me differently.  I don’t hear, “So when are you going back to work?” anymore, but there are jokes at times that don’t really feel like jokes, or reactions or comments. They won’t come out and say they think I’m crazy, but sometimes I feel it. Or maybe that’s just my paranoia.

The sad part is there are so many days I’m also looking at myself wondering too; How much money and time did I waste?  What the world God? Am I making the right decisions?  How do I know I really heard you? Are you sure it was me you were talking to?  You know I could have misinterpreted what you said.  Maybe I am just crazy?  How do you know it’s time to give up the charade?  I often feel like a fish out of water everywhere I turn. Who else feels like this?  What AM I doing???

 

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5 thoughts on “What Am I Doing?

  1. Hi friend! The more I read your story, the more my story sounds very similar. I, too, got my Master’s degree. Both my husband and I planned to work and we planned to have only 2 kids. Here I am 15 years later, a stay-at-home momschooler with 6 blessings. I worked up until my 4th was born. After each child I discerned and prayed about going back to work (I worked from home). But by my 4th, God made it clear I was to stop working and focus my time at home and I have not looked back since. Even when opportunities came knocking, I was not at peace about it. I totally understand where you are and what you are feeling, right down to what you said about “friends.” I thought I was going to be in business but my business is at home. My husband was planning to go to medical school but God had different plans. Now 15 years later, he works at a well known hospital but not as a doctor! God has such a sense of humor. All eight of us live off his income. It wasn’t planned that way at all but God’s ways aren’t our ways. God has always provided for what we need. When a car has another thing to fix, God provides. When our dishwasher broke after 2 years, God provides. We don’t really get ahead, but we always have what we need. I think that keeps us focused on Him for our every need. I consider what I save through frugal (yet healthy) spending on grocery bills, homeschooling, sales on clothes, etc. as my contribution to our income. We can save thousands just by being a smart shopper and limiting things to needs and less wants. I don’t feel the least bit skimped on blessings. Trust God. Trust what He has placed on your heart. Don’t question something you know He spoke to your heart. Go forward in faith, knowing He is in control. If He stirs up your heart, pray and ask Him to reveal what you should do. Fast and pray. He has never let me down when I put my heart at peace and truly seek out His will. More of Him, less of me. Praying for you! Blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

    • What a blessing you are! I feel like there are so many things going through my mind right now, I am having a hard time focusing on all the things I am hoping to have revealed. I have not been as committed to my full fast recently and I believe that needs to change. Thank you again for your words of wisdom.

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